The earlier you establish a physical connection with someone, the easier it is to build attraction and a sense of comfort. Even a simple touch on the arm sends powerful attraction emotions to the other person’s brain.
Whenever I am working as a dating coach for men, the topic of touch is an important issue. In general, you want to make sure that you touch someone within the first thirty seconds of your interaction. Most people introduce themselves and shake hands to make an initial connection. However, let’s not fall into the standard boring trap of tradition! The high five is one of the absolute best ways to touch someone for the first time because:
- Is unique and differentiates you from everyone else.
- Can be changed and enhanced to create your own fun high five/handshake (for example, doing a high five, then pounding fists and exploding. Believe it or not, this is a great way to build an instant connection).
- Shows that you are playful and have high social freedom.
- Can be used with all types of people in all social situations.
- Transfers value to the person you are high fiving (which most people appreciate).
So once you’ve initiated contact with a handshake or a high five, it’s time to show interest in the other person with a slightly more intimate touch. There are different levels of intimate touching that can be broken down into the following six categories:
Level 1: Hands
Level 2: Forearms
Level 3: Upper arms and shoulders
Level 4: Waist and back
Level 5: Face and neck
Level 6: Legs and inner thighs
Notice how this is a hierarchy of which parts of the body humans consider most intimate. For example, rubbing the inner thigh has enormous implications of sex, while stroking a person’s face implies a desire to kiss.
If you want to kiss someone, the easiest way to do it is to slowly work up this ladder of intimacy. If someone is comfortable with a neck rub, then a kiss is generally a good next step. Just be sure to watch out for indicators of interest (or disinterest!) as you continue to get more intimate with someone. If you perceive any discomfort, then step back and re-evaluate.
A pet peeve for some people (especially women) is when someone is “touchy-feely” too early on. Women often need to feel as though they’re in control of developing physical intimacy, and by occasionally backing off the man gives the woman opportunities to process what’s happening and decide whether she’s comfortable with continued physical contact.
Conversely, if you’re uncomfortable with touching someone at all, be aware that the dreaded “touching chasm” will occur if you let too much time pass without any intimacy. If you meet a person whom you really like and have taken on two dates, but you haven’t yet made physical contact except for a friendly hug, it will become incrementally more difficult to get intimate as time goes on. As a dating coach for men, I face the challenge of bringing men out of the dreaded friend zone. The easiest way for a girl or guy to end up relegated to the notorious “friend zone” is by failing to establish a physical connection at the beginning of the relationship.
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